aybe it was an affair. It could have been a blowout fight. Or perhaps it was a small day-to-day moment — like your partner wasn’t listening to you — that represented so much more. But at some point in a marriage headed for divorce, you just know.

“There are different last straws for everybody … things that you just let slide, and then suddenly you’re like, ‘I can’t let it slide anymore,'” Dr. Elizabeth Cohen, a psychologist and author of Light on the Other Side of Divorce: Discovering the New You, tells Scary Mommy. “I really want to make sure that people have a lot of empathy for themselves [and know] that whatever their last straw was is OK.”

Cohen says some of the most common reasons for divorce she’s seen are affairs, addiction to drugs and alcohol, lack of communication, not giving enough attention to their relationship or family, different values, inability to get through arguments, and not being aligned on big decisions.

“In our culture, there’s so much pressure to stay married, especially for women,” Cohen notes. “Admitting that something isn’t working for you is super brave … [It] takes a lot of self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-respect.”

We asked our readers about the moments they realized they needed a divorce, and thousands shared their stories. Read on for some of their honest and raw responses.

When They Felt Like They Weren’t Supported or a Priority:

• “When I was actively having a miscarriage at 16 weeks pregnant, and he hopped on a flight to attend a wedding.” — AW
• “When I told him my dad was put into the emergency room … and he never looked away from the computer game he was playing.” — Melissa
• “When I went through a prolonged and extremely difficult situation at work, and my husband offered me zero emotional support.” — Erin
• “When I announced to him that, after 10 years of being a stay-at-home mom, I wanted to go back to school and have my first chance at a career. He laughed and said I could never do that.” — Angel
• “When I was told I wasn’t a priority or even in the top five. So many other jobs/hobbies were more important.” — Kimberly

When They Felt Completely Alone:

• “Sleeping next to a man and feeling the loneliest I’d ever felt in my life.” — Wendy
• “When I felt completely alone even when he was sitting right beside me.” — Jennifer
• “After I watched my grandfather take his last breath, I realized just how short life is and how truly unhappy and lonely I felt.” — Shannon
• “When I was standing in front of him talking to him, and he ignored me/looked past me like I wasn’t even there. I felt like a ghost in my own house.” — Jenn

When Life Seemed Harder With Their Partner Than Without:

• “When a future together was harder to imagine than a future without him.” — Jen
• “When I realized my happiest moments in about a year were not with my husband.” — Ronice
• “When I realized I was happy he would be away for several days for his job. I felt free.” — Elvira
• “When I could imagine him with someone else, and I didn’t feel hurt from that thought.” — Hannah
• “When I realized I carried the hard stuff alone, and it would be simpler for me without my partner.” — Tricia

When They Realized It Was Impacting Their Kids:

• “When I realized I didn’t want my daughter growing up thinking this is what love looks like.” — Laura
• “When my kids said they thought fighting was normal because we were married.” — Alissa
• “When my son spoke to me the same way his dad did. I knew that he was too kind of a boy to turn into that man.” — Heather
• “When I spent more time drying tears (my children’s and my own) than I did laughing and smiling.” — Krista
• “When I realized I was missing my children’s childhoods as a result of trying to avoid him.” — Christina
• “When I realized he was having (another) affair, and I wanted my kids to see that I deserved better.” — Suzanne
• “When my oldest started coming out of his room like he needed to protect me during fights.” — Sarah

When They Felt No Connection or Emotion:

• “We went for a kid-free dinner date. We literally had nothing to say to each other and just sat in silence. Not only was the relationship over, the friendship was as well.” — Meneka
• “When I realized that neither of us was doing anything we loved anymore. We were both just existing in the same space.” — Chrissy
• “I felt more like a roommate than a wife.” — Joyce
• “When all the emotion was gone. I stayed through fights. I stayed through betrayal. I stayed through rage and depression. But when he couldn’t even make me cry anymore, much less laugh, it was time to go. I felt nothing.” — Erica

When They Thought About the Future:

• “Fortieth birthday, sitting across the table from him, realizing that we would still be sitting there on my 50th birthday and nothing will have changed. Nope.” — Heidi
• “Someone asked me what my life looked like in five years. I knew instantly it didn’t include him if I wanted to feel happy again.” — Shelley

For newly divorced couples, Cohen says it’s important to look at it as an opportunity to learn about yourself and create a new life: “If we can tolerate and accept the pain and grief and work through that … then you can embrace the next chapter.”

Iwas a stay-at-home mom for six years before my sudden separation left me scrambling to pick up the pieces with a 5- and 1-year-old. I felt like I had been thrown into the middle of the ocean, desperately trying to keep afloat while telling my children that everything was going to be OK. But nothing was OK — I had no plan, and I was drowning.

So there I was with two little children, zero income, and a support system that would sadly also deteriorate, revealing other harsh truths that would add insult to injury.

As much as I wanted to go back in time and pinpoint exactly where my marriage fell apart, the truth was that we were far beyond that. The only thing left to do was swim forward and hope that all of us would survive… and be better for it in the future.

The hardest part was that my ex-husband and I had very different ideas for how to handle this catastrophe, which only complicated things further. As a result, the next few years (yes, years) would be literal hell as I navigated a process that I was not even close to being prepared for.

In the end, I did survive what were almost certainly some of the worst moments of my life. So, whenever I get asked for divorce advice, I always share three vital tips. And because I’m no attorney or therapist, I checked in with certified divorce and mindset coach Jennifer Perri for a deeper dive into what to do when you think you may be headed for divorce.

1. Create a safe and smart exit plan.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but when the sh*t hits the fan, you will need a plan to keep you and your children safe.

Have a safe place to go in the event that you have to leave your home.

The place you choose should be somewhere that you can safely go at a moment’s notice. “Your safety and the safety of your children need to be a top priority, especially when navigating divorce. A rollercoaster of emotions will be at play, and you need to ensure that any immediate threats are addressed,” says Perri, who also advises keeping emergency numbers on hand.

Build a strong support system with people who truly care about your family’s well-being.

Because divorce almost always brings out the ugly side in people, avoid relying solely on friends and family. If financially possible, make sure that your support network includes babysitters and mental health professionals. You’ll need lots of time-outs from the stress that comes with divorce, and so will the kids, so having trusted people to turn to who can support your family’s needs is crucial.

Get your finances in order.

“When it comes to your family’s financial picture, it’s important to gather as much information as possible. Try to put your hands on statements, bank logins, tax returns, and anything else that touches your financial life,” says Perri. When it comes time to divvying up assets and calculating support, having a clear picture of the finances is imperative. If you don’t currently earn an income, it’s also a smart idea to start working on becoming financially independent and building savings to support yourself and your children during and after the divorce process.

2. An attorney isn’t always your only option.

Research mediation services.

If you think there’s a chance that you and your ex can work things out amicably, try going the mediation route instead of rushing to hire an attorney whose fees can quickly deplete your financial reserves. Mediators help both parties discuss the issues and come to a resolution out of court. “If the divorce involves significant assets, children, or potential conflict, investing in a reputable attorney specializing in divorce and family law is advisable,” says Perri.

3. Refocus and rebuild.

Try to find time to rediscover yourself.

Divorce can turn your entire life upside down and leave you feeling completely lost. So, don’t forget to invest in yourself and your children’s dreams. Doing so could be as simple (yet powerful) as making a vision board that speaks to your goals and desires and helps keep you motivated to reach them, or taking walks in nature where you can drown out the noise and focus on your feelings.

Find a pro to help you refocus and rebuild.

If possible, reach out to a coach specializing in transformation and empowerment to help you turn a difficult situation into an opportunity to find your inner strengths, talents, and desires.

“Embrace this challenging time as an opportunity for personal growth and reinvention. What does it look like when you envision your life living as your ‘best self’? Who are you in your most fulfilled, happiest state? Holding onto this vision and using it as your north star can help you focus forward on the next chapter. This is a chance to redefine your life on your own terms. And remember, your current situation isn’t your final destination — the best is yet to come,” says Perri.